when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
