If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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