I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
