he wants to bone in the snuggie
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
