yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
