People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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