I got chris browned last night
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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