haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
