Why are handjobs necessary in class?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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