the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
