Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
