Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
