Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
