dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The best revenge is premature balding
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
