she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
