I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
