He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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