; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
