nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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