You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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