...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
