the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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