i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
