Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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