i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
