Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
