Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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