I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
