I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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