I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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