I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
