I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
