Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
