hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
