Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
