The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
