My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
