I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Boobs speak an international language.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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