You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
