I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
