can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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