Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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