I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I will be naked everywhere
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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