Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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