The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
