I'm so fucking centered right now
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Pants are for mortals
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
