i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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