just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
