you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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