This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
