i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
