I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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